How can I tell you what I am feeling right now... I know that everything... and I mean everything is in God's Hands. I know that He loves Mandi more than I ever could. I know that I trust Him completely to do His Will and work His Plan in her life. But still I ache in my heart for her. The tears stream down my face and I feel as if my heart will break. What I feel is indescribable.
I have to do all my crying while I am away from her because I do not want her to think that I am in fear, I am not in fear, I just ache for her as any mama would having to see their child go through such an awful thing.
She told me the other day that on her last day at work, before we left for Maryland, she cleaned out her desk and took all her personal stuff home. When I asked her why she said, "because if something should go wrong I don't want my friends or family to have to go through the ordeal of clearing out my stuff".
I think that she thinks often of her dad and uncle and that they were both around her age when vHL took their lives and she is letting herself think on those things instead of the promises of God. I do my best to encourage her with the Word but you can't make someone think your thoughts it has to be their thoughts.
I feel as if I am just rambling right now but I have never felt so alone. I know Father God, my Savior Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all present, but it would have been so nice if Loren could have been here with me. It just comforts me to be near him.
When I left Mandi tonight she was resting and I told her how much I love her and that she had so many people, besides me and her family, praying for her. I reminded her that God would not forsake her and He would be in the operating room with her. I reminded her that I am expecting a good report and a supernatural recovery.
I will be at her side in the morning before 7am so I can go down to the operating area with her and pray one last time with her before she is given her twilight drugs. They will take her back at 8am to begin the surgery.
Thank you Father God for loving Mandi so much and taking such good care of her.